Frice Cream

Or: I scream, you scream, we all scream for fried soy!

Oilistas,

I think that I’ve finally found the holy grail of artery-clogging animal-free perfection: fried soy cream. Yes, my friends, you can fry soy cream (actually, you can fry any ice cream substitute. Or any ice cream substitute substitute, for example, ice cream). Why do this, you wonder? Because it’s there. Because you can. Because it’s time to prove that there’s no dish so filled with sugar and fat that adding more fat and sugar won’t make it better. And it’s time to show those health-based vegetarians how wrong they are. Vegans, I say, can be just as fat and gross as meaties. And here’s how:

Gather:

1/2 quart of frozen soy deliciousness of your flavor preference (I used dolce de leche, but vanilla is also popular).

2 Tablespoons cinnamon

2 Tablespoons sugar

2 fake eggs (I use EnerG Egg Replacer, but you can also use flax seeds)

½ cup crushed frosted flakes (crush first, measure second)

½ cup crushed cinnamon toast crunch (measure after you crush)

High heat oil (peanut or safflower oils are good here).

Ingredients notes: You can use any cream flavor, but it’s best to use something that mixes well with cinnamon, because that’s going to be in and around everything. You can skip the feggs, but don’t. No feggs makes for a thinner coating that falls apart faster in the fryer. Finally, I’m on a broke binge, so I used the cheapo off-brand cereals instead of the name brands I mentioned. If you’re a health food cereal nut, you can use Puffin cinnamon instead of the cinnamon toast crunch and some organic flakes of corn for the frosted flakes. If your flakes aren’t frosted, add ~1T sugar to your crushed cereal mix.

Ok, many steps here. Start this the day before you wanna eat it. There are three basic theaters of action: Prep Step Alpha, Prep Step Delta, and Fry City.

Prep Step Alpha:

Your fry batter is going to be hella cinnamonny, so you’re gonna wanna inject some cin into your soy to hold the flavor together. Take out your soycream and let it sit at room temperature for ten minutes or so—long enough to soften but not enough to melt. Scoop it all out into a bowl. Take one teaspoon of cinnamon. Shake that into the soycream, bit by bit, stirring constantly, until it’s well mixed in. You can also drop occasional chunks—this will make cinnamon swirls in your soy cream ball of the future. Now Scoop the soycream back into its container and put it in the freezer. PUT THE FREEZER ON ITS MAXIMUM SETTING! (don’t forget to turn it back to normal when this is all over).

Prep Step Delta: Make yourself a crushed cup of cereal: half crushed frosted flakes and half crushed cinnamon toast crunch. I used one of these for the crushin'. Spread that out on a baking sheet and sprinkle cinnamon over it.

Then brew up two fake eggs using the recipe of your choosing; I use EnerG Egg Replacer, but you can also utilize crushed flax seed. Beat this stuff and mix in the sugar and half a tablespoon of cinnamon. This is going to be so good!

NOW: take the soy cream out of the fridge. Using a large spoon or ice cream scoop, pull out small balls (one to two inches in diameter). Using your hands, QUICKLY roll the balls around in the crushed cereal, then MOMENTARILY dip them into the egg-sugar mixture; finally, EXPEDIANTLY roll them in the crushed cereal again so that they are completely covered. Finally, SWIFTLY put the covered balls into a bowl, cover it in plastic wrap, and put it back in the freezer. DO THIS AS FAST AS YOU CAN! You should end up with about 4 balls per half quart.

Finally, FRY CITY:

This last step is the easiest. Wait to do this until your balls have spent at least a few hours in the freezer; I'd wait a day or so. Here's how you fry them:
Fill your fryer with high-heat oil, like peanut or safflower (see my linkpost for oil heat info). Heat the oil to 375-400 degrees. Take the balls out of the freezer. Leave them for no more than five minutes (you might not want to take them all out at once). Grab a watch with a second hand.
Drop a ball into the oil. Wait ONLY 15-20 SECONDS. Pull the ball back out of the oil (spoons with holes work great for this). Plop your favorite whipped topping on top and dig in!